Broden went back to Spokane today. He is working Monday thru Thursday this week. He will be coming back Thursday night. We have an apartment right across the street from the NICU and we will be staying in it Friday to Monday. I am so afraid to have Broden so far away. I have no one else to talk to. I can talk to my mom openly, but she grieves internally and I have to talk. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable or anyone else for that matter. It seems that Broden is no longer sad. I know he probably is, but we are just grieving differently I guess. I went to the beach yesterday with my parents, my brother and his wife and kids, and Broden and the girls. I felt so out of place. Everyone would be laughing or telling jokes and it was really getting to me. Shelbey got hurt and Taylor started to cry too and I was the only one watching three girls. When Shelbey got hurt I became so overwhelmed! Like I couldn't save her from getting hurt just like I couldn't save Hayden. I ran into my brother's house and told Broden I needed help and I was crying in front of everyone! Normally, I can contain my tears until it is just Broden and I or I am by myself. Broden immediately followed me to the girls and handled the problem. I know it sounds really silly, but I just went into the bathroom and sat and cried for a half an hour.
I spent about 7 hours with Jackson today. He was being fed breastmilk through a tube every 4 hours, but now his feedings have been changed to continuous ongoing feedings which is awesome. His respirator is out and he is breathing really well. He is doing so well. Instead of being afraid to get close to him and to hold back attachment, I am going to love him with all my heart and be happy today. When tomorrow comes I am going to love him with all my heart and be happy tomorrow. I am not going to think about the what if's. He is such a beautiful little boy and he is such a miracle. I talked to the Dr. who delivered Jackson and he said that there was only a 6 hour time period between life and death of both boys. THAT is scary. To think that If I would have waited 6 hours, we would have lost both boys. I cannot imagine the depths of despair.
Psalm 91:1 & 2
Those who go to God Most High for safety will be protected by the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "You are my place of safety and protection. You are my God and I trust you"
2 Corinthians 1 1:3 & 4
Praise be to the God and Father of our lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.
2 Corinthians 4 16 - 18
So we do not give up. Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day. We have small troubles for a while now, but they are helping us gain an eternal glory that is much greater than the troubles. We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. Waht we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever.
2 Corinthians 5 1 - 7
We know that our body-the tent we live in here on earth-will be destroyed. But when that happens, God will have a house for us. It will not be a house made by human hands; instead, it will be a home in heaven that will last forever. But now we groan in this tent. We want God to give us our heavenly home, because it will clothe us so we will not be naked. While we live in this body, we have burdens, and we groan. We do not want to be naked, but we want to be clothed with our heavenly home. Then this body that dies will be fully covered with life. This is what God made us for, and he has given us the Spirit to be a guarantee for this new life. So we always have courage. We know that while we live in this body, we are away from the Lord. We live by what we believe, not by what we can see.
Jack is now 35 weeks and 3 days old. He received his 2 month vaccines yesterday. So Sad! He weighs 4 lbs and 9 oz. What a big boy :) I am doing alright now. I wasn't for quite a while. I think I was in a really dark place. I was angry and sad and did not want to spread that to others so I hope you all understand and I really appreciate all of the messages from my friends. I know you all care so much and I am so thankful to have friends like all of you.
