Monday, May 26, 2008
May 26, 2008
Thank you for your prayers and loving words. I spent 6 hours at the NICU yesterday with Jackson. I woke up this morning and my heart hurt so badly. I came home no longer pregnant when I was supposed to be pregnant until mid August and being at my parent's house without my boys makes my heart ache and throb. I want Hayden back so badly. I cannot explain. I feel like I am living off of my 6 hour visits with Jackson. I am sure my life will find some sort of normal again. Broden keeps asking me questions about plans 2-3 months from now and I just can't do it. I told him that I want to make it through today and try to be okay. And tomorrow I will try again. I Just get really sad and it seems that my family has moved on and I just can't. We spent time with my brother's family, our family, and my parents on Saturday. Sometimes they would be telling jokes and laughing and it made me feel SO lonely. I have nothing in my arms when I am at home. Nothing that shows I was even pregnant. That sounds so selfish I know. My Jackson is such a miracle. His nurses said that they VERY RARELY have seen such a young baby breathing on his own without a respirator! Dr. Dachow, my doctor from Tacoma General said that now we have delivered, the reality of May 15th (the boy's birthday) was more than I had realized. If he would have waited another 6 hours we would have lost both boys. I am more than greatful for having our Jackson. He is a miracle and when I am with him in Tacoma he fills my heart with love and hope. But at the same time, I have never experienced this deep of utter sadness.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Broden Went Back To Spokane Today
Broden went back to Spokane today. He is working Monday thru Thursday this week. He will be coming back Thursday night. We have an apartment right across the street from the NICU and we will be staying in it Friday to Monday. I am so afraid to have Broden so far away. I have no one else to talk to. I can talk to my mom openly, but she grieves internally and I have to talk. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable or anyone else for that matter. It seems that Broden is no longer sad. I know he probably is, but we are just grieving differently I guess. I went to the beach yesterday with my parents, my brother and his wife and kids, and Broden and the girls. I felt so out of place. Everyone would be laughing or telling jokes and it was really getting to me. Shelbey got hurt and Taylor started to cry too and I was the only one watching three girls. When Shelbey got hurt I became so overwhelmed! Like I couldn't save her from getting hurt just like I couldn't save Hayden. I ran into my brother's house and told Broden I needed help and I was crying in front of everyone! Normally, I can contain my tears until it is just Broden and I or I am by myself. Broden immediately followed me to the girls and handled the problem. I know it sounds really silly, but I just went into the bathroom and sat and cried for a half an hour.
I spent about 7 hours with Jackson today. He was being fed breastmilk through a tube every 4 hours, but now his feedings have been changed to continuous ongoing feedings which is awesome. His respirator is out and he is breathing really well. He is doing so well. Instead of being afraid to get close to him and to hold back attachment, I am going to love him with all my heart and be happy today. When tomorrow comes I am going to love him with all my heart and be happy tomorrow. I am not going to think about the what if's. He is such a beautiful little boy and he is such a miracle. I talked to the Dr. who delivered Jackson and he said that there was only a 6 hour time period between life and death of both boys. THAT is scary. To think that If I would have waited 6 hours, we would have lost both boys. I cannot imagine the depths of despair.
Psalm 91:1 & 2
Those who go to God Most High for safety will be protected by the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "You are my place of safety and protection. You are my God and I trust you"
2 Corinthians 1 1:3 & 4
Praise be to the God and Father of our lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.
2 Corinthians 4 16 - 18
So we do not give up. Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day. We have small troubles for a while now, but they are helping us gain an eternal glory that is much greater than the troubles. We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. Waht we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever.
2 Corinthians 5 1 - 7
We know that our body-the tent we live in here on earth-will be destroyed. But when that happens, God will have a house for us. It will not be a house made by human hands; instead, it will be a home in heaven that will last forever. But now we groan in this tent. We want God to give us our heavenly home, because it will clothe us so we will not be naked. While we live in this body, we have burdens, and we groan. We do not want to be naked, but we want to be clothed with our heavenly home. Then this body that dies will be fully covered with life. This is what God made us for, and he has given us the Spirit to be a guarantee for this new life. So we always have courage. We know that while we live in this body, we are away from the Lord. We live by what we believe, not by what we can see.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Our Little Baby Jackson Scott Staples
I am finally ready to share some pictures of Baby Jackson. Look at his FEET!
Jackson Is 8 Days Old Today!
First and formost, I want to thank everyone for the comments, prayers, and kind words they have sent to us. Though nothing can stop my heart from aching, your words do comfort. Broden and I are going up every day to see Jackson. By touching him and sitting right by his side it fills me up just enough to get through the night and the next morning until I get back to him.
We went fishing yesterday morning with the girls. I didn't want to go, but I know I need to try and get back into some kind of normal life with the girls. My mom said to me yesterday something that hit a little hard. I had my head down and my hair was falling over the top of my face. Taylor was pulling up my hair and playing peek-a-boo. My mother was sitting there and finally said, "Can't you even smile at her?" I was a bit of a slap because I thought I was smiling at her. I feel like I am giving the girls loves and hugs, but when I asked Broden he said that I really need to work harder because I am actually pushing them away. And every day that goes by the girls are hurting and yearning for me more.
I am going to go see Jackson today at 11PM. Broden will be coming up with the girls around 2PM. The nurses said that being he is doing so well that I could start holding him as soon as today. You hold them for 2-4 hours at a time and I just can't wait to have him close to my skin and heart.
I am buying Hayden an outfit today and I have three picked out so I will be making a decision on them today. They are all white. He is being cremated on Wednesday and I have decided to go in and see him one more time. Broden and my parents do not want me to, but if I don't I will think about it for the rest of my life. I did not get a chance to buy him his first outfit and see him wear it. I just cannot go on without buying him his first outfit. I don't know how to explain it. Both girls received so many clothes from others, but the first outfit they ever wore was one that I personally picked out and bought for them. I cannot go on without doing that.
I woke up this morning feeling so peaceful, but as the morning goes on the flood of grief and sadness just overwhelms me. All I can think about is getting out of this house and to the hospital where Jackson is. I am feeling so empty. I want to be pregnant again so badly. It is agony watching my body get smaller. I feel that I am getting farther away from Hayden. I keep praying for strengh and mercy. I keep asking the Lord to bring Peace to my heart and every time I ask for it I feel God lifting some of my pain away and calming the spirit I have inside me.
We went fishing yesterday morning with the girls. I didn't want to go, but I know I need to try and get back into some kind of normal life with the girls. My mom said to me yesterday something that hit a little hard. I had my head down and my hair was falling over the top of my face. Taylor was pulling up my hair and playing peek-a-boo. My mother was sitting there and finally said, "Can't you even smile at her?" I was a bit of a slap because I thought I was smiling at her. I feel like I am giving the girls loves and hugs, but when I asked Broden he said that I really need to work harder because I am actually pushing them away. And every day that goes by the girls are hurting and yearning for me more.
I am going to go see Jackson today at 11PM. Broden will be coming up with the girls around 2PM. The nurses said that being he is doing so well that I could start holding him as soon as today. You hold them for 2-4 hours at a time and I just can't wait to have him close to my skin and heart.
I am buying Hayden an outfit today and I have three picked out so I will be making a decision on them today. They are all white. He is being cremated on Wednesday and I have decided to go in and see him one more time. Broden and my parents do not want me to, but if I don't I will think about it for the rest of my life. I did not get a chance to buy him his first outfit and see him wear it. I just cannot go on without buying him his first outfit. I don't know how to explain it. Both girls received so many clothes from others, but the first outfit they ever wore was one that I personally picked out and bought for them. I cannot go on without doing that.
I woke up this morning feeling so peaceful, but as the morning goes on the flood of grief and sadness just overwhelms me. All I can think about is getting out of this house and to the hospital where Jackson is. I am feeling so empty. I want to be pregnant again so badly. It is agony watching my body get smaller. I feel that I am getting farther away from Hayden. I keep praying for strengh and mercy. I keep asking the Lord to bring Peace to my heart and every time I ask for it I feel God lifting some of my pain away and calming the spirit I have inside me.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
May 15, 2008
Our twin little boys were born at 4:15 PM on May 15th. We had no choice but to deliver because Hayden, Baby B, was showing signs of heart failure. My doctor ordered an echo to be done on Hayden's heart at 8AM and the C-Section was scheduled for 4PM. That gave Broden three and a half hours to get from Spokane to Tacoma. He was by my side at 3:30 and incision was at 4PM.
Hayden Eric and Jackson Scott Staples were born at exactly 4:15PM.
At first, Hayden did okay. They did an ultrasound on his heart and found that his heart was pumping the blood correctly, but the right ventrical was stiff but working okay. As we got into the weekend Hayden's heart started having problems. His doctor compared it to a body builder. They are very strong but not flexible. That was Hayden's heart. Every hour that passed his heart got worse. He was unable to pee because his kidneys were not working. His kidneys were not working because his body was working so hard to save and fix the heart. His body was working off a priority list in a way. It takes care of the brain and the heart first. His body was starting to fill with fluid. What normally happens is as you take in fluid your body aborbs the fluid into the blood stream and then eventually it is peed out. In Hayden's case, his red blood cells were not absorbing the fluid into the blood stream so the fluid was filling up throughout his body. An ultrasound was done on his brain to see if the stress of this on his body had caused any bleeding on his brain. His ultrasound showed very little bleeding so his brain was not being affected or damaged. They decided to do heart surgery on Sunday. In fixing the heart the body could then focus more on the kidneys and would start them working. We know they could work because they were working well in my tummy. Right before the surgery on Monday they did another ultrasound on his heart. The cardiologist said that if we went through with the surgery, Hayden would not survive through it. His heart was not doing well at all and was getting worse every hour. With that diagnosis the heart surgery was canceled and we knew we were going to be losing our beautiful little boy, Hayden. There is no words to explain the grief and utter sadness we were feeling. We both felt differently and I am not going to say that one parent grieves more than the other. All I can say is how I was feeling. There are no words in the dictionary to explain the feelings and emotion I have been experiencing. It is beyond grief and sadness. I feel like someone has taken out my insides and are ripping them apart. My heart hurts so badly that it is almost unbearable to take one breath after another. I feel that every moment that goes by I am farther away from Hayden. My tummy is starting to shrink and my body is repairing itself and it emotionally hurts so bad. I am getting better and recovering from pregnancy when I should still be pregnant. I have lost one of our twin boys and a week ago I felt him moving and kicking inside me. Broden and I were with Hayden the entire time. As his blood pressure started to drop we asked if they could unhook some of the monitors so we could hold him and hug him. I held him so close to my heart, his skin to my skin, and kept wispering in his ear how much his mommy loved him. I told him to not be afraid. I was right there with him. I told him when he sees Jesus to just run to his arms. We asked to take the respirator out and we watched his heart rate drop. Broden was holding his little baby boy, Hayden, when he took his last breath and Broden said that he knew it was his last breath.
I know that Hayden is with God. Babies do not become angels. Angels were established a long time ago. I am not angry with God. If anything I am saying grateful to God for giving me the time we had with our Hayden. If we had gone through with the surgery, we would not have been able to hold, kiss, talk, and love our Hayden. Those moments would have been stripped away from us and I will be forever grateful to God for the most beautiful moments of my entire life. I pray for forgiveness for not having stronger faith. I have never doubted God and I still do not doubt God. In my heart I gave Hayden to God. It was like saying that I will let go of my little boy and hand him over to you. After doing that, my first thought was, I am trusting you with my little boy so you better take care of him and love him and hold and kiss him because I cannot do that for him anymore and I want him to be SO loved and kissed and hugged like Hayden deserves.
Hayden Eric and Jackson Scott Staples were born at exactly 4:15PM.
At first, Hayden did okay. They did an ultrasound on his heart and found that his heart was pumping the blood correctly, but the right ventrical was stiff but working okay. As we got into the weekend Hayden's heart started having problems. His doctor compared it to a body builder. They are very strong but not flexible. That was Hayden's heart. Every hour that passed his heart got worse. He was unable to pee because his kidneys were not working. His kidneys were not working because his body was working so hard to save and fix the heart. His body was working off a priority list in a way. It takes care of the brain and the heart first. His body was starting to fill with fluid. What normally happens is as you take in fluid your body aborbs the fluid into the blood stream and then eventually it is peed out. In Hayden's case, his red blood cells were not absorbing the fluid into the blood stream so the fluid was filling up throughout his body. An ultrasound was done on his brain to see if the stress of this on his body had caused any bleeding on his brain. His ultrasound showed very little bleeding so his brain was not being affected or damaged. They decided to do heart surgery on Sunday. In fixing the heart the body could then focus more on the kidneys and would start them working. We know they could work because they were working well in my tummy. Right before the surgery on Monday they did another ultrasound on his heart. The cardiologist said that if we went through with the surgery, Hayden would not survive through it. His heart was not doing well at all and was getting worse every hour. With that diagnosis the heart surgery was canceled and we knew we were going to be losing our beautiful little boy, Hayden. There is no words to explain the grief and utter sadness we were feeling. We both felt differently and I am not going to say that one parent grieves more than the other. All I can say is how I was feeling. There are no words in the dictionary to explain the feelings and emotion I have been experiencing. It is beyond grief and sadness. I feel like someone has taken out my insides and are ripping them apart. My heart hurts so badly that it is almost unbearable to take one breath after another. I feel that every moment that goes by I am farther away from Hayden. My tummy is starting to shrink and my body is repairing itself and it emotionally hurts so bad. I am getting better and recovering from pregnancy when I should still be pregnant. I have lost one of our twin boys and a week ago I felt him moving and kicking inside me. Broden and I were with Hayden the entire time. As his blood pressure started to drop we asked if they could unhook some of the monitors so we could hold him and hug him. I held him so close to my heart, his skin to my skin, and kept wispering in his ear how much his mommy loved him. I told him to not be afraid. I was right there with him. I told him when he sees Jesus to just run to his arms. We asked to take the respirator out and we watched his heart rate drop. Broden was holding his little baby boy, Hayden, when he took his last breath and Broden said that he knew it was his last breath.
I know that Hayden is with God. Babies do not become angels. Angels were established a long time ago. I am not angry with God. If anything I am saying grateful to God for giving me the time we had with our Hayden. If we had gone through with the surgery, we would not have been able to hold, kiss, talk, and love our Hayden. Those moments would have been stripped away from us and I will be forever grateful to God for the most beautiful moments of my entire life. I pray for forgiveness for not having stronger faith. I have never doubted God and I still do not doubt God. In my heart I gave Hayden to God. It was like saying that I will let go of my little boy and hand him over to you. After doing that, my first thought was, I am trusting you with my little boy so you better take care of him and love him and hold and kiss him because I cannot do that for him anymore and I want him to be SO loved and kissed and hugged like Hayden deserves.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Friday Night Bio-Ultrasound
The nurses have had a hard time locating Baby B since Wednesday so this evening the doctor ordered a bio-ultrasound. It looked liked a regular ultrasound to me, but it gave really close up views of respitory and heart function. And actually, baby B's lungs started working today or yesterday. They are not fully functional yet, but the ultrasound tech said that the way the lung rhythm was they had just started working and that was really cool to see. I had finished dinner about 30 seconds before going down for the ultrasound and during the ultrasound baby A was wasn't moving hardly at all. The tech was a little worried so she started examining him closer and when she focused in on his face you could see his mouth opening and shutting over and over again! He was drinking amniotic fluid (eating dinner)! It was so crazy!!
There is a problem with the boys, but I am not sure how serious it is yet. The doctor requested Broden come up tonight so he could meet with both of us tomorrow morning. Baby B has become stuck with his head jammed in the right lower corner of the uterus. His body runs along the bottom of the uterus which means he is no longer head up on the left side, but sideways and his back is firmly pushed up against my cervix. Baby A takes up the top 3/4's of the uterus and has a very large amount of fluid. Baby B has "a minimal to no fluid"-not good. His weight is only 2 ounces different than Baby A and his heart rate is good and healthy. He is not moving much, but moving enough. While Baby B runs along the floor of the uterus, Baby A's body is lying mostly on top of his brother's and the entire right side of the uterus which has left a large empty space on the left side of the uterus. This makes my belly very painful on the right side and is larger on the right side than on the left. It is protruding out to the right and is numb.
There is a problem with the boys, but I am not sure how serious it is yet. The doctor requested Broden come up tonight so he could meet with both of us tomorrow morning. Baby B has become stuck with his head jammed in the right lower corner of the uterus. His body runs along the bottom of the uterus which means he is no longer head up on the left side, but sideways and his back is firmly pushed up against my cervix. Baby A takes up the top 3/4's of the uterus and has a very large amount of fluid. Baby B has "a minimal to no fluid"-not good. His weight is only 2 ounces different than Baby A and his heart rate is good and healthy. He is not moving much, but moving enough. While Baby B runs along the floor of the uterus, Baby A's body is lying mostly on top of his brother's and the entire right side of the uterus which has left a large empty space on the left side of the uterus. This makes my belly very painful on the right side and is larger on the right side than on the left. It is protruding out to the right and is numb.
Pre-Term Labor Diagnosed at Week 26
Preterm Labor at 26 Weeks
Well, Broden flew to Orlando on Thursday so I drove to Elma to be with my parents for a week or so. Wednesday morning around 1:30 AM I started to get really painful lower back pain. At 7AM I took a bath to relax the "so-so" contractions. They did not ease up, but they were not painful nor did they slow down. Around 10AM the girls and I got into the hot tub for a bit. I had completely lost my apetite (Very Strange since I eat everything in sight 24 hours a day). I talked to my mother and asked if she could be home sooner than later. I decided around 2PM to get a stress test done at St. Peters Hospital in Olympia. They started monitering me and the contractions and discomfort level started to get worse. Medicine did not stop or slow the contractions down SO they contacted my perinatologist in Spokane and told him the situation. He said I needed to be transported ASAP to Tacoma General and I was diagnosed pre-term at 26 weeks. I still had not told Broden anything about what was going on. I was afraid he was going to be mad at me for spending money (Hospital Bill) - isn't that silly?!?!
I called my parents and my dad came and followed the ambulance from Olympia to Tacoma and stayed with me all night in Labor and delivery. By the time I got to Tacoma the contractions were pretty intense. Thank God my dad was there because I do not remember much. By the time they did an exam I was dilated to a 2 and was completely thinned out. Jackson's head was pressed firmly against the cervix. They started a magnesium bag (brutal stuff) and boosted the drip level up to 3. Finally, the contractions started to slow down.
This started Wednesday and today is Friday and I am still in Tacoma. I was taken off of magnesium this morning around 8AM and started tributalane(?). I will be here for at least 1 more night and tomorrow day.
Babies are doing very well, though. They are not under any stress and have been closely monitored throughtout all of this. My body just does not have any more room to grow. My skin on my belly has turned a pinkish purple color and is numb. I do not have any stretch marks, though. I do have little popped blood vessels along the front of the belly. The skin is very tight and at touch it feels like a constant contraction-very very hard. The uterus measure from top to bottom 37 cm (37 weeks) and the top of the uterus is right under my bra-literally. I actually was pushing feet away from my bra this morning!
I do not know what the plan is for the next three months, but Broden flew into Seattle yesterday at 2PM and is now at my parent's house in Elma with the girls. I am on permenent bed rest from here on out which means IF I go back to Spokane, Broden cannot go back to work. That just isn't possible since it will be for 10 more weeks and he cannot take the next 10 weeks off.
SO, that is what our current situation is :) I will write more as I learn more :)
Well, Broden flew to Orlando on Thursday so I drove to Elma to be with my parents for a week or so. Wednesday morning around 1:30 AM I started to get really painful lower back pain. At 7AM I took a bath to relax the "so-so" contractions. They did not ease up, but they were not painful nor did they slow down. Around 10AM the girls and I got into the hot tub for a bit. I had completely lost my apetite (Very Strange since I eat everything in sight 24 hours a day). I talked to my mother and asked if she could be home sooner than later. I decided around 2PM to get a stress test done at St. Peters Hospital in Olympia. They started monitering me and the contractions and discomfort level started to get worse. Medicine did not stop or slow the contractions down SO they contacted my perinatologist in Spokane and told him the situation. He said I needed to be transported ASAP to Tacoma General and I was diagnosed pre-term at 26 weeks. I still had not told Broden anything about what was going on. I was afraid he was going to be mad at me for spending money (Hospital Bill) - isn't that silly?!?!
I called my parents and my dad came and followed the ambulance from Olympia to Tacoma and stayed with me all night in Labor and delivery. By the time I got to Tacoma the contractions were pretty intense. Thank God my dad was there because I do not remember much. By the time they did an exam I was dilated to a 2 and was completely thinned out. Jackson's head was pressed firmly against the cervix. They started a magnesium bag (brutal stuff) and boosted the drip level up to 3. Finally, the contractions started to slow down.
This started Wednesday and today is Friday and I am still in Tacoma. I was taken off of magnesium this morning around 8AM and started tributalane(?). I will be here for at least 1 more night and tomorrow day.
Babies are doing very well, though. They are not under any stress and have been closely monitored throughtout all of this. My body just does not have any more room to grow. My skin on my belly has turned a pinkish purple color and is numb. I do not have any stretch marks, though. I do have little popped blood vessels along the front of the belly. The skin is very tight and at touch it feels like a constant contraction-very very hard. The uterus measure from top to bottom 37 cm (37 weeks) and the top of the uterus is right under my bra-literally. I actually was pushing feet away from my bra this morning!
I do not know what the plan is for the next three months, but Broden flew into Seattle yesterday at 2PM and is now at my parent's house in Elma with the girls. I am on permenent bed rest from here on out which means IF I go back to Spokane, Broden cannot go back to work. That just isn't possible since it will be for 10 more weeks and he cannot take the next 10 weeks off.
SO, that is what our current situation is :) I will write more as I learn more :)
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