Jackson Is 8 Days Old Today!

First and formost, I want to thank everyone for the comments, prayers, and kind words they have sent to us. Though nothing can stop my heart from aching, your words do comfort. Broden and I are going up every day to see Jackson. By touching him and sitting right by his side it fills me up just enough to get through the night and the next morning until I get back to him.

We went fishing yesterday morning with the girls. I didn't want to go, but I know I need to try and get back into some kind of normal life with the girls. My mom said to me yesterday something that hit a little hard. I had my head down and my hair was falling over the top of my face. Taylor was pulling up my hair and playing peek-a-boo. My mother was sitting there and finally said, "Can't you even smile at her?" I was a bit of a slap because I thought I was smiling at her. I feel like I am giving the girls loves and hugs, but when I asked Broden he said that I really need to work harder because I am actually pushing them away. And every day that goes by the girls are hurting and yearning for me more.

I am going to go see Jackson today at 11PM. Broden will be coming up with the girls around 2PM. The nurses said that being he is doing so well that I could start holding him as soon as today. You hold them for 2-4 hours at a time and I just can't wait to have him close to my skin and heart.

I am buying Hayden an outfit today and I have three picked out so I will be making a decision on them today. They are all white. He is being cremated on Wednesday and I have decided to go in and see him one more time. Broden and my parents do not want me to, but if I don't I will think about it for the rest of my life. I did not get a chance to buy him his first outfit and see him wear it. I just cannot go on without buying him his first outfit. I don't know how to explain it. Both girls received so many clothes from others, but the first outfit they ever wore was one that I personally picked out and bought for them. I cannot go on without doing that.

I woke up this morning feeling so peaceful, but as the morning goes on the flood of grief and sadness just overwhelms me. All I can think about is getting out of this house and to the hospital where Jackson is. I am feeling so empty. I want to be pregnant again so badly. It is agony watching my body get smaller. I feel that I am getting farther away from Hayden. I keep praying for strengh and mercy. I keep asking the Lord to bring Peace to my heart and every time I ask for it I feel God lifting some of my pain away and calming the spirit I have inside me.