May 15, 2008

Our twin little boys were born at 4:15 PM on May 15th. We had no choice but to deliver because Hayden, Baby B, was showing signs of heart failure. My doctor ordered an echo to be done on Hayden's heart at 8AM and the C-Section was scheduled for 4PM. That gave Broden three and a half hours to get from Spokane to Tacoma. He was by my side at 3:30 and incision was at 4PM.

Hayden Eric and Jackson Scott Staples were born at exactly 4:15PM.

At first, Hayden did okay. They did an ultrasound on his heart and found that his heart was pumping the blood correctly, but the right ventrical was stiff but working okay. As we got into the weekend Hayden's heart started having problems. His doctor compared it to a body builder. They are very strong but not flexible. That was Hayden's heart. Every hour that passed his heart got worse. He was unable to pee because his kidneys were not working. His kidneys were not working because his body was working so hard to save and fix the heart. His body was working off a priority list in a way. It takes care of the brain and the heart first. His body was starting to fill with fluid. What normally happens is as you take in fluid your body aborbs the fluid into the blood stream and then eventually it is peed out. In Hayden's case, his red blood cells were not absorbing the fluid into the blood stream so the fluid was filling up throughout his body. An ultrasound was done on his brain to see if the stress of this on his body had caused any bleeding on his brain. His ultrasound showed very little bleeding so his brain was not being affected or damaged. They decided to do heart surgery on Sunday. In fixing the heart the body could then focus more on the kidneys and would start them working. We know they could work because they were working well in my tummy. Right before the surgery on Monday they did another ultrasound on his heart. The cardiologist said that if we went through with the surgery, Hayden would not survive through it. His heart was not doing well at all and was getting worse every hour. With that diagnosis the heart surgery was canceled and we knew we were going to be losing our beautiful little boy, Hayden. There is no words to explain the grief and utter sadness we were feeling. We both felt differently and I am not going to say that one parent grieves more than the other. All I can say is how I was feeling. There are no words in the dictionary to explain the feelings and emotion I have been experiencing. It is beyond grief and sadness. I feel like someone has taken out my insides and are ripping them apart. My heart hurts so badly that it is almost unbearable to take one breath after another. I feel that every moment that goes by I am farther away from Hayden. My tummy is starting to shrink and my body is repairing itself and it emotionally hurts so bad. I am getting better and recovering from pregnancy when I should still be pregnant. I have lost one of our twin boys and a week ago I felt him moving and kicking inside me. Broden and I were with Hayden the entire time. As his blood pressure started to drop we asked if they could unhook some of the monitors so we could hold him and hug him. I held him so close to my heart, his skin to my skin, and kept wispering in his ear how much his mommy loved him. I told him to not be afraid. I was right there with him. I told him when he sees Jesus to just run to his arms. We asked to take the respirator out and we watched his heart rate drop. Broden was holding his little baby boy, Hayden, when he took his last breath and Broden said that he knew it was his last breath.

I know that Hayden is with God. Babies do not become angels. Angels were established a long time ago. I am not angry with God. If anything I am saying grateful to God for giving me the time we had with our Hayden. If we had gone through with the surgery, we would not have been able to hold, kiss, talk, and love our Hayden. Those moments would have been stripped away from us and I will be forever grateful to God for the most beautiful moments of my entire life. I pray for forgiveness for not having stronger faith. I have never doubted God and I still do not doubt God. In my heart I gave Hayden to God. It was like saying that I will let go of my little boy and hand him over to you. After doing that, my first thought was, I am trusting you with my little boy so you better take care of him and love him and hold and kiss him because I cannot do that for him anymore and I want him to be SO loved and kissed and hugged like Hayden deserves.