May 26, 2008

Thank you for your prayers and loving words. I spent 6 hours at the NICU yesterday with Jackson. I woke up this morning and my heart hurt so badly. I came home no longer pregnant when I was supposed to be pregnant until mid August and being at my parent's house without my boys makes my heart ache and throb. I want Hayden back so badly. I cannot explain. I feel like I am living off of my 6 hour visits with Jackson. I am sure my life will find some sort of normal again. Broden keeps asking me questions about plans 2-3 months from now and I just can't do it. I told him that I want to make it through today and try to be okay. And tomorrow I will try again. I Just get really sad and it seems that my family has moved on and I just can't. We spent time with my brother's family, our family, and my parents on Saturday. Sometimes they would be telling jokes and laughing and it made me feel SO lonely. I have nothing in my arms when I am at home. Nothing that shows I was even pregnant. That sounds so selfish I know. My Jackson is such a miracle. His nurses said that they VERY RARELY have seen such a young baby breathing on his own without a respirator! Dr. Dachow, my doctor from Tacoma General said that now we have delivered, the reality of May 15th (the boy's birthday) was more than I had realized. If he would have waited another 6 hours we would have lost both boys. I am more than greatful for having our Jackson. He is a miracle and when I am with him in Tacoma he fills my heart with love and hope. But at the same time, I have never experienced this deep of utter sadness.